...Oh. Most sane people, you say? Huh.
Well, in case you, like N and I, have wondered this, we're here to put that curiosity to rest. BEHOLD. A POLITICAL NERD GIRL CHAT. Featuring all the tough questions N and I would ask our current President and President Hopeful, like dragon control and marriage between a zombie and a woman.
And, really, when we say President & President Hopeful, we really just mean President Hopeful.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY, YOU GOT SOME 'SPLAINING TO DO!
W: I have a lot of material from both the Cuban side and my mom's Colombian side. I'm a gift to this country really.
W: God, why couldn't I have been Mexican.
P: My dad always tells me my real dad is Mexican so I'll handle that side.
W: Solid. We got this.You get Detroit too.
P: Between the two of us, we really have all the minorities of this country covered. Except...wait. I'm lacking an Arabic side. We might have to find one of those.
W: Whenever my brother doesn't shave I call him Muhammad, so...sort of.
P: Oh, we're good then. And once an old dude yelled at me for 9/11 so I think between these two things we can just cross Arab off then.
W: "Hey, people. Next town hall? Just call us. We got this."
P: "we'll ask the important questions. Like what the Governor plans to do about rampaging dragons and wild packs of unicorns that roam the streets eating small children."
W: "And Governor, you have mentioned that you don't drink. How am I supposed to trust a man who doesn't drink when the zombies come? Also, smushmortions? Can I haz them if a Zombie gives it to me? Please answer in specifics."
P: "Yes, yes. Better economy. We've been over this, Governor. Please answer the question. Zombies. What is your plan to protect the American people from the mindless undead?"
P: "For the record, by Mindless Undead, we are not speaking about the Tea Party, Governor. We're talking literal reanimated corpses. Details."
W: "Also, will I have enough time to be home to make dinner for said zombies? I really want to avoid the gun violence if I can."
W: "Wait, are you gonna make jobs for the zombies too? Can you send THEM to China? But listen, I'd also like to see your binder of women. Cause I think we poor people refer to that as a nudie magazine."
W: "Hold on, let me call my brother Muhammad real quick. He has a bunch of them, so he'll know."
P: "While she's calling Muhammad, I have a question for you, Governor. True or false. The Canadian pipeline would disturb the underground nests of giant cave worms that would swarm out and take out entire cities with their sightless floundering."
W: I put down the phone. "Yes, please, answer her question. Sightless cave worms. Maybe we should get Ann in on that one."
P: "Ann, do you consider smushmortion okay if it's a sightless cave worm that does the impregnating? ....TRICK QUESTION. SIGHTLESS CAVE WORMS ARE ASEXUAL."
P: "True or false. Assault weapons were designed by the Aliens being held hostage at Area 51 & if you're elected, Governor, you will let those aliens decide whether to stay or go back to their home planet."
W: He's going to bank on those aliens self-deporting is my bet.
P: "WOULD YOU ALLOW THE ALIENS TO STAY, GOVERNOR, ANSWER THE QUESTION."
P: "True or false. Big Bird was behind 9/11."
W: "WAIT. ARE THE ALIENS AND ZOMBIES CHILDREN OF THE SAME GOD TOO?"
P: "DID THE SAME GOD THAT CREATED PEOPLE, ALIENS AND ZOMBIES ALSO CREATE SIGHTLESS CAVE WORMS?"
W: "AND IF SO, WHICH ONE OF US IS THE 47%? BE SPECIFIC."
P: "WHAT IS YOUR STANCE ON DRAGON CONTROL AND THEIR IMPACT ON THE MIDDLE CLASS?"
W: "And please don't forget to address the wild pack of unicorns this time."
W: "Also: poor people. Gross, amirite?"
P: "Poor people will be used as dragon food yes or no?"
W: "Two parents in the home will stop gun violence, you said. Is it okay if they're both the same gender. No? How about if one is a zombie but a dude...technically? Cool?"
P: "What if one's a dragon but used to be human? DID YOU REALLY JUST ASK HOW THAT IS POSSIBLE HAVE YOU NEVER EVEN HEARD OF DARK WIZARDS?"
P: "How do you expect to lead a country when you're not even aware of dark wizards turning men into dragons?"
W: "I want you to look me in the face and tell me if you've ever heard of a Horcrux?"
P: "Will you give the dark wizards creating horcruxes and turning men into dragons a tax break similar to the one you want to give the top 1%?"
W: "How can you tell if a dragon is a boy or a girl? I'm asking so we know which one has to make dinner."
P: "Equal rights for squibs. Where do you stand?"
W: Squibs are gonna get stuck building all those pipelines.
P: And then crushed by the sightless, asexual cave worms. Poor squibs. :(
W: That was a golden of a Yahtzee if I ever did see one. Bravo.
P: I can't even take credit for it. You set me up beautifully.
See? We're clearly more than qualified for this. Hey, Whoever Sets These Things Up, we've got one more debate to go. Get a hold of us. We'll ask the things Americans want to know.
Also, fellow Americans, election day is November 6th! VOTE! We don't care who you vote for, as long as you do, and as long as you believe your candidate will protect us all from the sightless cave worms.